A refreshing of the heart

It has been a long time since I have actually sat down and  reflected on my memories with my grandfather and I would like to use this post to keep him fresh in my mind. He taught me more than I realized. He influenced me more than I imagined. I miss those late nights I had with him just talking. When I was really young, when Disney showed the old black and white shows at midnight, My grandpa and I would stay up until 1 am to watch Zoro. I remember thinking I was the coolest kid because I was in elementary school and I was allowed to stay up so late. When he lived with us, I learned to love chicken in any style he cooked it in. I learned that lop kay was my favorite thai dish (and no one makes it like him). I learned that his room was the best place to nap. I remember at night, not being able to sleep if he went to bed before I could fall asleep. If I couldn’t hear him snore, I’d have to go to his room and check on him.  As I got older, when he moved into a home of his own, I remember our days being more sophisticated, if you will. I was in high school and these talks were essential to all my life decisions. He would tell me not to rush into relationships, he would tell me to wear more colors and to smile more, he would tell me not to cover my eye,  he would tell me I should brush my hair more. He always had some sort of criticism but he never failed to tell me I was beautiful. He would talk to me about God and he would tell me about love. And in his moments of nostalgia, he would tell me about his childhood; about sleeping through a storm, being followed by a wild cat, being able to out run bullets in Vietnam. He (and his siblings after he passed away) taught me that my grandfather was a legend. He was fearless and he was loving.  Through those wonderful weekends with him, I learned how to make iced tea perfectly, to make Grits not clumpy, to flip an egg without breaking the yolk, to sweeten coffee just right, to sew free-handed, to fish, etc. I learned phrases like “I’ll hit you so hard, the next thing you know, you’ll know nothing” (and then he’d laugh like he was the funniest thing). I learned to appreciate country music and southern cooking.I miss him endlessly today. I feel his absence a lot today. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that its my mom’s birthday and she is missing him too. But I miss him nonetheless. I’d do anything to hear him call me “sugar-foot” again.

Quiet Now

And in the night I toss and turn. Fighting fears that I never knew, and in this state I take you down. Quiet now. I won.

Happiness is being nineteen with a mind full of wishes and a heart full of dreams. If i could count them all, I’d be counting for days. Even when I’m awake, I’m thinking. I’m scheming. Maybe  I run away to places in my mind so that maybe I can discover my own sanity. To smile with the lips is one thing, but to smile with your soul is another. External laughter but inside chaos. I want to find my happy place where nothing can harm me.

Lips

Lips.

so soft.

so sweet.

they pull me in

They draw me out.

Feeling fine

At some point in time, I will free my mind and then everything will make sense.

and I will feel fine

I’ll see the world illuminate through stained-glass windowed eyes.

And I will feel fine.

I will walk across the tightrope. Dance along the line. touch the stars above me.

and I will feel fine.

I will see again with clarity; a lens stained of red hues for I’ll love the world again.

and I will feel fine

today, I see with broken eyes. I fear the wire as I merely whisper to the stars from the ground.

I will feel fine.

I don’t think you understand

No, I don’t think you understand. I thought I’d never love again. I thought I’d never trust again. because ,once, I had put that trust and put that love in someone who abused it.  Yet here I am, taking risks with a boy whose smile holds the world. I never thought I’d see the day where love brought me someone new. The way he laughs, the way he moves, the way his eyes glow; I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t think you understand that I’d never thought I’d see the day. yet here I am. I’m happy.

sometimes I wonder…

what was he feeling when he realized that he didn’t love me any more? what was he doing in that moment? was he reading? was he working or eating? was he in the shower? did he just wake up one morning and feel the lack of love for me? I wonder how you can keep someone,for four years, so close to you just to one day stop caring. Was it happening gradually and I didn’t even notice? How do you just stop loving someone? How do you just stop caring? It has been a month and I still can’t fathom how this happened; how we just fell apart and he acts like nothing I’ve ever done for him even mattered. It hurts. It hurts to be apart of someone’s life for so long just to find out that for months, I didn’t even matter. I have found someone who makes me happy and who doesn’t take me for granted and yet it still hurts because for so long I have tried to make things work and all that time, he didn’t even love me. Now I’m too scared to start again; I’m so nervous that I will make the same mistakes…. what was he doing the moment he realized he didn’t love me anymore? what did I do wrong?

Fall apart

Its funny how fast things can fall apart. How easily things can crack. How simple it is for promises to be broken. And we don’t ever mean for things like this to happen. We don’t plan on breaking everything we touch; to knock down what we build. But we do. In some small way, we do. We hurt and we get hurt. Sometimes we can prepare ourselves for the fall. But sometimes we never see it coming. Its life and its funny in the most satirical way possible. And even though we all fall, not all of us can crumble.

Words…

He didn’t say “I love you “today.

I know he was upset.

but he didn’t say it before the fight either.

now he is on a plane frustrated.

and I’m in my room crying.

He didn’t say “I love you”

Planes…

It was the hardest thing to do: to pull away from his arms to cross the threshold of the Oakland International Airport Security system. I was trying hard not to cry as I kissed him bye. He pulled me close because I was blocking the entrance to the line. I touched his face. “Don’t cry” I told myself, “Don’t cry. Don’t make him think you can’t handle the distance”. Our fingers were laced tight as I told him that i’d call him as soon as I land at LAX. We exchanged the I love you’s and I scurried on through the line as he walked off. I wanted badly to just miss my plane;to drop my bags, turn around from the line, call his name in hopes that he hears me. “Don’t cry,” I told myself, “Don’t cry. Don’t make him sad too”.  I landed safely and quite quickly, reading only 50 pages into my HST book. I called him as soon as I exited. I told him I could definitely do the trip again; knowing that when i’d have to leave, I’d fight the tears again. He’ll have to fight his too.

I hate planes…

Calm and Chaos

There is a stream flowing through my mind. It is subtle and clear. calm. I dip my hand in every once in awhile, just to get a feel of sanity. If the temperature is right, i might just stick my legs in too. I sit on the smooth rocks along the edge, and i splash around. The water eases my soul. But its much too dull here. Its much too shallow to swim in on such a hot day. and it is much to lonely when the stream is under control. Its so subtle and clear. calm.

I walk along the path. I want to find where the stream meets the ocean. Where the waves crash and the water is cold. And there is so much life in the depths of the blue mass. Its so wild and free. Chaotic. The waves hit my thighs and I shutter for a moment. Its so tempting to dive in. but its so frightening to think  I’d get caught by a wave. Its so much more lively than the stream. Its much colder and much better for such a hot day. Its so wild and dangerous. Chaotic.

The waves begin to crash harder and the tide pulls me in. Rolling under the giant waves I go. I just let it take me under. I just submit to the madness. Its very lonely here, isn’t it? There’s no one to grab my hand and pull me from the chaos. I liked it better at the stream. It was so subtle and clear. calm.